Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
How's work?
Spinning.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
