the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
