Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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