You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
