sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
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