She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
We left the knife in your bed.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize