Already got asked if we're dating
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
