dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
