I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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