His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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