So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
