Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize