she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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