Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
