I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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