matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He has the fingertips of a God
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