Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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