david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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