My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
