remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
