I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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