can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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