i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
