I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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