My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
My feet surprised me
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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