I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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