my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
