fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
