Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
