i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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