JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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