sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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