I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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