I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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