I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
