ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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