you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
