I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize