I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
