Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
