Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
