just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize