I think I died a long time ago.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
