My nipple is on Facebook.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
