My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
