its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
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