peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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