he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
