Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
