a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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