just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
