do herpes really smell.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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