You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
