It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize