I can text with my tongue
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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