forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize