Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
