we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize