i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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