apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
