Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What happened to fro yo and sex?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
