If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
