You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
