Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
