Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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