I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
