Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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