my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
