he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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