Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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