The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
