It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
