Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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